Online Dating
Your soulmate is out there. Just point and click.
Chris Bushwell
April 11-24, 2002
You can buy machine guns online. You can also buy chimpanzees. Need a new set of juggling pins, or a case of 40-year-old Scotch? Simply point your browser to the correct website, and your computer becomes an all-inclusive catalog that makes the Sears Wishbook look like a pamphlet. With a little searching, you can get anything online. Anything.
For example, do you have a fetish for blondes who can tango? No problem, they're available at DanceADate.com. Maybe you've always dreamt of seducing a blue-eyed hunk with a big hose. Now you can pick one out at SingleFireFighters.com Whether you're looking for a night of anonymous passion or a lifetime of Kodak moments... the online catalog of love boasts hundreds of thousands of potential suitors.
If you like Stephen King, you don't brows for books in the Biography section. The same thing goes for online love shopping. When you pick a pal from the catalog, you've got to make sure you're looking in the right place. For example, are you a vegetarian? Then check out GreenSingles.com, where the meatless meet. Among the several thousand registered daters, you're sure to find a fellow hiker, animal lover or environmental activist to not eat meat with. What's that? You're a vegan? Then maybe the stricter requirements of the Vegan Singles Club (All4Vegan.net) are more up your alley. VSC members not only can't eat meat, but are also prohibited from wearing (or owning!) clothing made of feathers, leather or fur. (So much for those feathered, cow skin pants with the fur lining). If you're new to the whole "meat is murder" scene, you'll never make it past the strict screening process of the VSC, but will find plenty of "almost-vegetarians" at the more relaxed VeggieDate.com. Like GreenSingles and the Vegan Singles Club, VeggieDate boasts a database of several thousand singles, but won't kick you out for enjoying the occasional Eggs Benedict.
Not everyone's world revolves around his or her diet (just stop by the LargeEncounters.com dating board if you don't believe us). For some, religion is a far more critical factor in choosing a mate. Luckily, the faithful are well represented in the dating catalog. Christians can surf AdamMeetEve.com to find a spouse, while the Islamic crowd points their browsers to MuslimCouple.com. The Jewish faith has over 50 sites to the dedicated, unattached, giving Hasidic, orthodox and reform singles a chance to avoid lonely weekends at home. In fact, you don't even need to be Jewish to browse the listings. Mora, a 34-year-old Berkeley native who advertises on Jdate.com, says that her perfect man "need not be Jewish... as long as he's Jew-ish." Even the Church of Latter Day Saints wants their ilk to hook up, and they've set up a number of Mormon-only sites dedicated to arranging dates that definitely won't end with a goodnight kiss. (Editor's Note: We were unable to find an Amish dating service.)
No matter what you're looking for, there's not just someone out there for you... there's a whole database of someones out there for you. Are you looking for a genius? BrainAppeal.com has several hundred photos of self-described geeks looking for love. Horse owners can find a new stablemate at HorseCouples.com. Who cares that none of your contemporaries share your love of all things Goth? WaningMoon.com will hook you up with a fellow single pagan. If you're a millionaire, you should have no problem paying $9.95/month for access to MillionaireMatch.com, the only dating site that screens singles by annual income. People who work in the laboratory don't get out much, which makes SciConnect.com a perfect solution for loveless chemists. Even octogenarians can make a virtual booty call by browsing the hundreds of photos at SassySeniors.com.
Dating is a great way to spend a weekend, but what about the other five days of the week? If you're looking for a more time-consuming commitment form you love interest, then flipping to the "matrimony" section of the virtual catalog would be a good start.
Picking a life-partner has never been easier that browsing through the hundreds of personal web pages dedicated to finding their owners a suitable spouse. For example, there's MarryTheresa.com, a website dedicated to finding 34-year-old Theresa Hunt a husband. Theresa's web page includes a synopsis of her opinions, a photo gallery and a picture of the "Husband Wanted" billboard she erected on a Nashville highway. Let's face it: There a fine line between innovation and desperation.
Rod Barnett, a 38-year-old business owner, wants to find a loving wife so badly that he's offering $10,000 to anyone who can introduce him to the future Mrs. Barnett. His website, 10KforaWife.com plays "I like you just the way you are" as you read Barnett's short essay on "Why Marriage is like a Puzzle" and look at his many personal photos, including one of him hugging an ex-girlfriend. (Don't worry: Her head has been cut out of the picture.)
If you think offering up ten grand to find a wife sounds like a gimmick, you're right. But single Americans with an eye toward the altar have to do something to stand out, because the competition from abroad is fierce. While there are thousands of U.S. men and women advertising for permanent companionship online, there are hundreds of thousands of foreigners scouring the Internet for an American mate.
Sorry ladies, but of the several hundred foreign singles sites, only a rare few are devoted to single men. The vast majority of intercontinental matchmaking services are dedicated to finding loving husbands for their female clients. And while women from Asia, Latin America and select Euorpean countries can all be found seeking U.S. citizenship (and love), it's the women of the former Soviet Union who have most flooded our virtual catalog with pictures and pastimes.
Sites like RussianRomance.com, SiberianSingles.com and MoscowLadies.com are overflowing with former Eastern-bloc cuties ready to move west for romance. These sites, and the hundreds of others like them, make shopping for a wife as easy as selecting a new sweater for the J. Crew catalog. And unlike their American counterparts, these Russian, Ukranian and Georgian gals don't have high standards. Take Tatyana, a gorgeous 21-year-old from St. Petersberg who is among the 9,700 Russian women looking for a husband at RussianBridesOnline.com. When asked what she looks for in a husband, Tatyana simply states, "I like a man who no hit me." And then there's 27-year-old Irina, one of the 2,000 women at FaceOfSiberia.com, who asks for a "gracious man who doesn't like to hit his wife." In fact, many of the Russian singles seem to require little more of their suitors than the ability to keep from punching them.
While hand-selecting a wife from a seemingly endless list of Moscow maidens might be simple, dealing with immigration, international travel and a language barrier is a little much for some people. In fact, many of us prefer our relationships to be completely hassle-free. If you're tired of the dating game and aren't ready to import your wife from overseas, then there's a special section of the online catalog just for you.
The world's oldest profession my have once be sequestered to select street corners and massage parlors, but the internet has turned the illicit business of renting a partner to a point-and-click catalog of lust. All you need is a mouse an a list of kinks, and your computer can be transformed into a virtual brothel. We do not recommend this form of "dating" for a number of reasons. The least of which being that it's illegal, dangerous and expensive. But, whatever.
Strippers, escorts, nude masseuses, male gigolos, dominatricies and even your plain-Jane hookers all have humped on the internet bandwagon, where they are free to advertise their services without law enforcement preventing their next payday. Sites like SFExotics.com, ErosGuide.com and Lovings.com feature hundreds of full-page ads for self-described "providers" of all shapes and sizes. Do you have a fetish for redheads? Girls with big butts? Men with hairy chests? Maybe you've dreamed about having two women at once... or being with a couple? No matter what your fantasy, you can find a concubine to call your own after searching the catalog by location, description or price.
The internet allows people with similar interests to find each other, and fans of paid sex are no exception. Local johns (and janes) can be found at the San Francisco Red Book (SFRedBook.com), the Consumer Reports of prostitution. Inside the Red Book, readers submit detailed reviews of the local men and women who advertise their sexual services on SFExotics or ErosGuide. So if you see a particularly attractive hooker in the catalog and want to know if they're worth the $500/hr (or are wondering why they only charge $50/hr), you can search the Red Book's five-year archive for clues. The thousands of Red Book evaluations cover almost every local sex worker, and the 100- to 1000-word reviews are updated with new entries every day.
While advertising sexual services and reading reviews of completed transactions may not be illegal, contacting and employing any of the Lovings.com crowd most certainly is. If you don't want to risk jail time for a good time, but you'd still like to enjoy the excitement of lawlessness, then we have a solution for you: prison dates.
Whether you want a husband, wife, dating partner or just a devoted pen pal, the California Department of Corrections is ready to help. Many current residents of the prison system are looking for love through websites like CagedKittens.com, PennPalls.org and JailBabes.com. Before you turn up your nose at the prospect of dating a convict, consider the advantages: You always know where your significant other is, you know they aren't going to sleep with your best friend and breaking up has never been easier.
Still not convinced? Then maybe you need to actually browse the catalog. There you'll find guys like Bert, an inmate at the maximum security Pelican Bay. Bert - or as his friends call him "#P26986," - may not be a free man until 2037, but his ad at CellBlockMail.com says it all:
"I'm loving, caring, sensitive to a woman's needs. I you are that female who is tired of the ups and downs of those rollercoaster relationships, I'm that special guy that you are looking for."
If Bert isn't your cup of tea, you can search thousands of listings for a new love by length of sentence, crime committed or hair color. Once you've found an inmate whose picture and profilel make a match, you can begin correspondence via mail. Talk about no pressure! After you've established a relationship, you may even qualify for conjugal visits. [insert "pokey in the Pokey" joke here.]
So, are you ready to shop for a new soulmate? Just fire up your computer, choose your item and with for the love to be delivered to your doorstep. Sorry, no returns or exahanges. Satisfaction not guaranteed.
©2001 - 2002 The Wave Media.